This is my last day before my whole world changes. Knowing I will meet my daughter for the very first time tomorrow is overwhelming, exciting, anxiety inducing and includes “all the feels.” Of course, I’ve had months of preparation…feeling her kick and punch constantly have served as a wonderful reminder of the little one growing inside me. And now that the day has almost arrived for us to meet her, I find myself feeling a little shy – like it’s a blind date. What will she be like? Will she look like her daddy just like her brother did? Or will I see a bit of myself reflected in the shape of her eyes or curve of her lips?
Will she know how much I have prayed for her and loved her since the moment I learned of her existance? Will I be able to show her that love unconditionally the way I want to? How will my heart grow without bursting? Having a second child is easier in some ways, I guess. I can tell myself, “I’ve done this before.” But in many ways, I haven’t. I haven’t been the mother of a newborn and a toddler before. I am scared that I won’t be very good at it and one of them will always be wanting. I worry that I may not have enough to give to be the mother they both deserve.
And then I think of the women in my life – friends and family who have more than 1 kid, and I see the love and affection they have for each other. I can do this, many have done this before. I know it will be a big job and I’m not really sure there is any training, any reading or any conversation that is going to make me feel prepared. Trial by fire, my friends.
But babycakes, I do solemnly swear – you will be loved by your mommy. And I will do everything I can to keep you safe, raise you to love and respect others and to know God. I have spent months preparing for your arrival, and on this last day – my mind is full of what ifs and worry and wondering if I’m ready.
The truth is, if you are – I am. Because that is how motherhood works. There is nothing that can prepare you – but I liken the experience to those automatic reactions our bodies create. Like when you drop a pen and your body immediately reacts to catch it – there is no thought or skill…it just happens. It’s in my DNA to be a mother – and despite not knowing what to expect, I do know that I’ll catch you.
Baby girl, you are my favorite girl. And I can’t wait for you to meet my favorite boy – your brother who already loves you so much that it makes my heart beat faster. Every day, he talks to you, gives you kisses and hugs and I cannot wait for you to recognize his voice upon your first meeting. His sweet voice singing you good night songs and shouting “I love you” at belly button level – you will know him as big brother. He will catch you, too.
Your daddy hasn’t a clue what’s in store for him, but I can’t wait to watch him fall in love with you. It’s a special bond between daddy and daughter and I am sure you will have him wrapped around your tiny little finger in no time. He will make you laugh, his jokes will make you roll your eyes, and no matter where you are – he’ll catch you.
I am honored to be your mother, and so excited to meet you in person for the very first time tomorrow. I know you will change my life in ways I can’t even fathom right now. But I’m sure we will navigate this new world together….the 4 of us.