It’s rare. These pockets of time in between always having something to do and somewhere to be. It is 10 minutes, 20 at the most and i have forgotten how to just….be. To stop looking at my phone for emails that aren’t really to me. To stop flipping through the endless stream on FB, insta, pinterest….
So, in one of those rare moments today, I forced myself to sit, isolated, for those 15 minutes. I listened. I heard water rushing down from a fountain. I heard snippets of people mid conversation as they walked by. A dog barking, the rumble of engines from a nearby street.
It is beautiful there in my own silence and I can’t believe I had forgotten this place where i used to visit all the time. Not a physical place….but a place in my mind where I could exist and daydream and let myself write. Those are my best moments as a writer. Not forced, but inspired.
It’s been a long time since I really felt like a writer and I miss it like an old friend who I could share all my deepest, darkest secrets with who drifted away because I just didn’t keep in touch. I own that. It’s like losing your singing voice. A few weeks ago at church, we sang a hymn that I actually knew (which seems to rare as all the songs are different!) and I was feeling extra confident and trying my best to sing. But my range isn’t where it used to be, I’m out of practice. And that’s how it feels with writing, like I’m out of practice.
I know I romanticize my writing experience in college. I was in creative writing courses and I was constantly in writing mode. Those moments of sunshine out in the quad and having my notepad handy to capture any creative thought feels so far away. I often want to dig through all those old boxes of writing and re-read those stories and poems, the creative nonfiction I wrote because I remember it being so good. And yet, I don’t – because I don’t want to read it and realize it was…just okay.
Maybe I need a new muse. Maybe I need to start getting to the point faster. Maybe I just need to write whether it turns out great or not and be okay with that.