I’ve been here before. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s the night before my baby goes to daycare full time.
And while this time is different because I have entrusted my son to this same place and he’ll be there just down the hall – it’s still something that makes me sad. I have been truly blessed to have my mom stay with us for the last month so Daykin could stay at home a little while longer. And I’ve gotten really used to my mom sending me pictures of her during the day, and knowing she is being taken care of by my flesh and blood made being back at work a little easier. This past month has been challenging back at work, but I’ve just kept breathing…and saying to myself that at least Daykin is at home even if I am at work.
But here we are, the night before her first day of school – and she gave me a really rough day today. She refused to nap for me and I thought to myself she was helping me out some. Maybe days like this would make me long for someone else to be in charge for awhile. But that’s a fleeting thought, and as I nursed her to sleep tonight I prayed for her health and safety and I asked God to bless her teachers. I cried a little bit in hopes that crying at home means I won’t cry tomorrow when I walk out the door and leave her for the first time with someone who isn’t family.
Being a mom is this delicate balance of being completely in control and absolutely not in control at the same time. And even though this is kid #2 – I still haven’t figured that out so much. I’m not sure I ever will.
While Daxton was the first everything, Daykin is my last everything. And I want to soak everything up, I don’t want to wish any moment away because as they pass – it’s the last time. The last time I’ll wash and fold tiny newborn clothes. The last time I’ll give my child their first bath. The last time I’ll ever need size 1 diapers. And while some of those are good things to be done with – it’s this bittersweet feeling in my soul.
Tomorrow is the last time I’ll ever send my baby girl to daycare for the first time. And tonight is the last time I’ll be so anxious about this particular experience. And that’s when I just have to remind myself: breathe. It will be a good thing to get this particular experience behind me so I can focus on all the great things ahead.
Daxton has been shown nothing but love at his school, and I know Daykin will steal her teacher’s heart with her giant gummy grin and little chubby legs. And eventually, the morning commute with both kids, making bottles in the morning, and collecting my daily reports from her teacher will seem like a typical day. But tonight, it feels like a big deal – a big question mark because this is the beginning of the next phase of Daykin’s life where she spends a big portion of her day away from home.
So, tonight – I’m taking a big breath. I’m letting it out slow. Everything will be great – I just have to remember to breathe.