I am in a place of having goals for my health again. It has been a long time. I reflect on some of my writing from 5 or 7 years ago – and sometimes I can hardly recognize that person. Someone so dedicated to workout routines and health goals – and putting those goals first and foremost. I know that girl exists inside me somewhere…but I am hoping we have evolved. Priorities certainly shift as life changes. As I was re-reading a blog from the summer of 2010 – I wrote about how important it was to not skip a workout, because that meant it wasn’t a priority and how you should always make it one. And that makes me chuckle a bit now as a working mom of two. It has been a long time since I have made myself a priority.
On my 36th birthday this year – I did make a new commitment to myself. I was going to spend some time and money on getting back to a place where I felt good about myself. It has been incredibly challenging to eat super clean – no dairy, no fats, no oils, no grains/wheats. I am on day 34 and I have been really pleased with my results. Yesterday, a friend stopped me in the hall at work to comment on my progress. It is those moments where reality sets in….that I am doing something that is changing me from the inside out.
For the first time in…a REALLY long time, I am feeling more confident in myself. I put on a more fitted outfit this week and didn’t feel disgusted by what I saw in the mirror. I am making progress.
In this world where I know I put everyone else in front of me, especially my kids, I feel empowered by this decision to focus on my health again. I haven’t added back in the daily workouts that I did many years ago. I am honest with myself that I likely don’t have time or energy for that at this point. I am focusing 100% on nutrition and am going to ride this wave until it’s obvious I need to add in the workouts to continue to make progress. That feels efficient and smart to me right now. I know myself and my current state of life (read: 1 year old & 4 year old plus working full time) well enough to not take on more than I can handle. Because I’ll get frustrated and just quit.
I am a little over halfway to my first goal. And everyday – I get more excited about the progress I’m making. Not just on the scale and how my clothes fit…but how much better I am starting to feel about myself. This journey is emotional – it really is about letting go of somethings I’ve held onto for a really long time.
The other day in the car, I was thinking about what was holding my back. What has kept me from really trying to do this for so many years? And out of nowhere, I said out loud, “I need to give myself permission to be beautiful.” And that felt really weird to say. I wanted to take it back because it seemed so….stereotypical? I am not sure what it made me feel. Maybe even embarrassed a little. But as I’ve lived with that thought for a few days, I think my inner voice was onto something. We get in our own way – whether it’s confidence, losing weight, going after a dream job, and we have to give ourselves permission to be successful! That it’s okay to do a good job and enjoy the reward.
I am not where I want to be yet – but it feels really empowering to be IN PROGRESS instead of just daydreaming about doing something different.
I don’t get a chance to write here very often, but since I am on a roll with some #lifechanges, I thought I’d try to document some of this work I’m doing!
Until next time…..
ThirtyStory 