My Grandmother’s House

Every year, I pack up my children for an adventure across three states on Thanksgiving Day. It should take 6 hours, but usually rings in at 8 if traffic isn’t terrible. It can be a beautiful drive – literally over the mountain and through the woods. And for me, it used to also be “to grandmother’s house we go.”

We visit my Aunt and Uncle, my brother and his family and my cousins for a Thanksgiving feast that always falls on Saturday. We spend our time in a tiny,  quiet town just past the Tennessee border in Kentucky. This is where my mother grew up and where I spent almost every holiday I can think of as a child.

I complained all the time about coming to this place growing up. It is a sleepy town with not much going on of interest to a 12 year old or a 16 year old….and  in true pre-teen fashion, I felt cut off from my friends during a time of long distance phone calls and no internet. I can’t tell you how many pages of thick books I must have read during those holidays at my grandma’s house.

As an adult, I still complain about the drive as it is much, much farther since I have relocated to the Carolinas. And these days, we spend our holiday weekend at my Aunt and Uncles who have lived in the house next door to my grandma’s since before I was born. My grandpa passed away when I was in highschool and my grandma passed when I was in grad school. We kept the house as a place to gather for holidays for several years after…but it wasn’t the same without her there. We decided to create a new tradition at my Aunt’s house and that is the only thing my kids have ever known.

This past Thanksgiving was bittersweet. I entered my grandmother’s house, my mother’s childhood home for the first time in a really long time.  Renters have been there for many years and my family made the really tough decision to fix it up to sell it recently. This trip was my opportunity to see it one last time before another family creates their own traditions beneath its roof.

It was also the first time my children have entered the house. As my kids ran down and back up the hill filled with fall leaves that connects my Aunt’s house to my Grandma’s property – I soaked in their shrill laughter as their feet moved faster than they were ready for as they took off down the sloping hill. How many times had I done the same thing as a child? As they climbed up the other side of the hill – my son reached for his sister’s hand and they ran toward my grandma’s house. I overheard him explaining that this was the house where their grandmommy grew up.

He immediately went to the green front porch and I thought it was sad he didn’t know we always went in the back door. The front porch was reserved for rocking in old rocking chairs or swinging much too high on the porch swing, singing, guitar playing, reading, or imagining a great adventure with your little sister. Of course, now there are no swings or rocking chairs on the front porch – but those memories felt so present in that moment for me. How easy it was to imagine a younger version of myself and my younger sister jumping off the side of the porch and chasing each other around the house pretending we were secret agents on a very important mission to save the world.

When we entered the house, it was the same and it was different. Time changes everything – but I went to each room and easily recalled what used to be where. But the first room – the den, was really what mattered to me the most. The wall which is of course, freshly painted and bare, used to be bursting at the seams with pictures of our family. It was my grandmother’s pride and joy – to have all her children and grandchildren on that wall. She never had the opportunity to meet my husband and my children – their pictures never had the chance to be framed and squeezed onto that wall.

For a few seconds, I felt my grandmother there – her presence guiding me to capture this moment. A full generation beyond her – standing there in this house my grandfather built alongside his father.  I snapped several photos of my children leaning against that old picture wall. A symbolic gesture for me – a perfect end cap of this tradition in my heart as I know I won’t likely be back. A new family will hang their photos on this wall, will make memories of cooking and eating together in that kitchen. They will hang their own porch swing and dream their dreams.

And we will move forward, my heart full knowing my grandparents are looking over my children no matter where our new traditions will lead us.

19 Minutes and Counting

I said I would write more – but I haven’t. Yet I think of writing all the time. On my commute to work once the kids are dropped off at school, a thought will drift through my mind and I’ll think, “wow – that would be an awesome blog topic.”

And I believe it’s such a good idea, I’ll definitely remember it later when I get home, you know several hours later, and the good idea will definitely line up with having a pocket of time to actually sit down and write it. Right?

So tonight, I have a tiny pocket of time. The kids are asleep, the husband went to bed early. I don’t feel like watching TV. I can’t go to bed until after I pump for the last time tonight and that needs to be at 10. 19 minutes of time for just me and my thoughts.

Here I am, with this window of time..and I can’t for the life of me remember a single great idea for blogging I have had while driving. That seems to be the theme lately – and I have a feeling it’s probably not just me. Life gets us so busy – whether it’s because of work, family, friends – we just keep ourselves busy and it’s easy to forget all those great, inspired ideas.

17 minutes.

All I can think about is if I could be doing something else right now that would be more productive. I have this constant inner track in my head that is like a “multi-tasker app.” It’s the app in my brain that processes all the different approaches I could take to make myself more efficient. For instance, during my nightly “wash and sterilize all the bottles and pump parts for the next day” routine, I am constantly strategizing about the best way to do it.

I turn on the water and it takes forever to get hot. I use the cold water to do an initial rinse of said dishes. Multi-tasker app kicks in “could I grab a cup and use the water to water the plants while I wait for the water to get hot?” OR “go ahead and fill up the 2oz you need for the sterilizer bags while the water is cold.” The water gets hot – so I strategize about the quickest way to get all the parts separated so I can get through this awful task of washing as quickly as possible. Set up the sterilizer bag, line up the bottle parts so it’s a constant grab, wash and into the bag. Set the microwave so it’s ready as soon as the bag is. I seriously drive myself crazy sometimes.

I find it hard to just be in this moment. To just do what I’m currently doing and stop worrying about whether it’s the most efficient. But life demands that of me right now. Work demands that of me now. Do as many things as possible in the least amount of time. Be the best mother, wife, friend, sister, aunt….be them all at the same time and do it well. Don’t forget the birthday card, buy the baby gift, write your thank you notes. Sterilize those bottles.

9 minutes.

I’m still sorting out how to be all these things, and I’ve decided that maybe – I just AM these things even if I can’t be the best at them all at the same time. I have to take turns wearing these different hats and sometimes when I try to wear all 10 hats at the same time – it makes me act a little crazy. I probably look crazy to outsiders, too. Sorry about that.

So I’m going to work a little bit on this – just being in the moment. Just be the dishwasher – don’t worry about the plants yet. I can do that later. Or tomorrow. Or my husband can do it.

6 minutes.

I have to find a way to just be here. In this space, and not worry about all the rest. These 6 minutes are mine, no one elses.

And it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. I need it. I need space to not wear a hat at all and be me. I used to be really good at that, but now I need some practice.

Times up. Mama hat on. I’ll catch you next time.

Remember to Breathe

I’ve been here before. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s the night before my baby goes to daycare full time.

And while this time is different because I have entrusted my son to this same place and he’ll be there just down the hall – it’s still something that makes me sad. I have been truly blessed to have my mom stay with us for the last month so Daykin could stay at home a little while longer. And I’ve gotten really used to my mom sending me pictures of her during the day, and knowing she is being taken care of by my flesh and blood made being back at work a little easier. This past month has been challenging back at work, but I’ve just kept breathing…and saying to myself that at least Daykin is at home even if I am at work.

But here we are, the night before her first day of school – and she gave me a really rough day today. She refused to nap for me and I thought to myself she was helping me out some. Maybe days like this would make me long for someone else to be in charge for awhile. But that’s a fleeting thought, and as I nursed her to sleep tonight I prayed for her health and safety and I asked God to bless her teachers. I cried a little bit in hopes that crying at home means I won’t cry tomorrow when I walk out the door and leave her for the first time with someone who isn’t family.

Being a mom is this delicate balance of being completely in control and absolutely not in control at the same time. And even though this is kid #2 – I still haven’t figured that out so much. I’m not sure I ever will.

While Daxton was the first everything, Daykin is my last everything. And I want to soak everything up, I don’t want to wish any moment away because as they pass – it’s the last time. The last time I’ll wash and fold tiny newborn clothes. The last time I’ll give my child their first bath. The last time I’ll ever need size 1 diapers. And while some of those are good things to be done with – it’s this bittersweet feeling in my soul.

Tomorrow is the last time I’ll ever send my baby girl to daycare for the first time. And tonight is the last time I’ll be so anxious about this particular experience. And that’s when I just have to remind myself: breathe. It will be a good thing to get this particular experience behind me so I can focus on all the great things ahead.

Daxton has been shown nothing but love at his school, and I know Daykin will steal her teacher’s heart with her giant gummy grin and little chubby legs. And eventually, the morning commute with both kids, making bottles in the morning, and collecting my daily reports from her teacher will seem like a typical day. But tonight, it feels like a big deal – a big question mark because this is the beginning of the next phase of Daykin’s life where she spends a big portion of her day away from home.

So, tonight – I’m taking a big breath. I’m letting it out slow. Everything will be great – I just have to remember to breathe.

Where you lead…

Near the beginning of my maternity leave, I decided to pick a pretty long winded series to watch. Something with lots of seasons to make it really easy for me to settle into those long nursing sessions and “time off” that translates into “trapped at home because it is WAY TOO HOT to do anything outside.” Netflix was the answer, my friends.

I decided to try out Gilmore Girls. I was never a regular for this show although I’ve seen bits and pieces over the years – but never enough of it to know what to expect or how it would end. It had 7 seasons so I knew it was a good fit for 12 weeks of leave.

I finished the last episode recently and find myself feeling a little sad now. It’s over. I had become pretty tight with my Stars Hollow friends. I felt comfortable yelling at the characters when I knew they were making the wrong decisions. I depended on Sookie to make me delicious sounding treats whenever I was having a rough day. Now it’s over and there are many questions I still have. Fortunately, they are coming out with 4 extended episodes this year so I don’t have to wait nearly as long as those who were on the bandwagon while the series was airing originally.

But there is something bigger than all this hiding between the lines and I didn’t realize it until about half way through watching this series. While I was home with our first child, Daxton, during maternity leave – the song Three Little Birds by Bob Marley would always be playing in some form when I needed it most. It was a reminder when I needed it most “don’t worry….every little thing’s gonna be alright.” The universe knew what I needed to hear and it  became a personal mantra for me. I even have a piece of art hanging in my bedroom now with those lyrics to remind me.

I have always been a writer at heart. It started with lyrics when I was younger – the first thing I wanted to do when I bought a new CD as a kid was to get to the jacket and read the song lyrics before I even listened to the first note of music. I wrote poetry, short stories – my minor in college was creative writing. It’s a passion  I don’t get much time for now. But I’m always listening, trying to catch the muse (and the 20 minutes to capture my thoughts before they drift to the abyss).

So with Daykin here, I wondered what our song would be. How would I find it? I haven’t been  listening to much music with her like I did Daxton – probably because my 3 year old son demands Jake the Pirate to be playing on the TV as soon as he gets home so there isn’t a lot of time for background music this time around.

But about half way through this Gilmore Girls binge, I realized I had been singing the theme song to Daykin every single time. I found myself humming the tune at night time as I was trying to get her to bed. I listened to the full lyrics and realized they could be applied to the wonderful relationship between a mother and a daughter – after all, it was the theme song to Gilmore Girls which is 7 seasons of watching the relationship between a mother and daughter. Of course. This is our song, it was under my nose the whole time!

It’s funny how life happens this way. You ask yourself a question and if you throw into the universe, sometimes you find the answer was in front of your face the whole time.

I’m glad to have a special song that applies to each of my kids. It seems like the type of thing I hope they might appreciate later in life. When they hear that song playing – they will know that it was the song I kept close to my heart for each of them.

Lyrics to “Where You Lead” (original lyrics, obviously some were modified for theme song!) by Carol King

Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
‘Cause, darling, to me that’s what you’re worth

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

If you’re out on the road
Feeling lonely and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I’ll be there on the next train

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

I always wanted a real home with flowers on the window sill
But if you want to live in New York City, honey, you know I will
I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But, if anyone could keep me happy, you’re the one who can

And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

The Real Guilt Trip

I thought I’d felt guilt before in my life. And then I became a mom – and it felt like any previous guilty feeling I’d had was a drop in the bucket.

Love at first sight

Then I became a mom of 2 tiny human beings and my world has flipped upside down. I think I have cried more due to guilty feelings than anything else during this first month at home with our newborn and my 3 year old.

No one, and I mean no one, is as good at giving you a guilt trip than an innocent little 3 year old. This morning, I overhear him telling daddy in the next room, “I miss mommy a really lot.” Meanwhile, I’m trying to sleep because I’ve been up multiple times to nurse and soothe baby sister. Guilty as charged.

Now that I’m starting to feel more human again after the debacle of my c-section recovery, I’ve been able to do bath time with Daxton and a few times – I’ve even had enough time to put him to bed as well in between Daykin’s frequent evening nursing sessions. Each time I’ve put Daxton to bed  – the guilt trip starts again. I’m reading him a book, tucking him him and he’ll whisper, “Mommy, will you hold my hand? I miss you.”

I miss you, too, bud. I do.

Our family time on the couch

This whole 2 kid thing is challenging for my body and my heart. Physically – I’m just not able to handle Daxton 100% yet – he’s knocking at 40 pounds door and he is super fast. So I can’t lift him yet and I certainly am not feeling up to running after him. So our time together is watching a tv show or movie while I’m nursing sister. When she’s napping in the evening and he is home – I do my best to be the one to fix him dinner. I ask him to sit next to me so we can snuggle. I remind him who my favorite boy is (it’s him).

But still – that little sweet voice is in my head everyday about how much he misses me and while it’s incredibly sweet – it breaks my already swollen heart. It pulls at my already over plucked heart strings.

Because he’s right – I’m not around as much. I am not the mom to him I was just a few weeks ago and he’s not old enough to really understand the rationale behind that. I am so thankful he hasn’t placed his resentment on his baby sister. We are lucky in that way – things could be so much more difficult. He’s acting out and showing us his independence a lot lately by demonstrating he doesn’t have to do what we say. I hate that the time we do spend together seems to always include him being “in trouble.” I guess that’s why they say we have “threenagers.”

The  biggest challenge so far has just been trying to really “be there” for both my kids in a

Daddy trying to calm Daykin as she demands immediate feeding!

meaningful way. I am the only food source for Daykin, so I have some pretty tight timelines and limitations on what I can do outside of being with her day and night. I know that’s a choice I’m making, but I still stand behind it. And Daxton understands that a little bit – but in the end, when it’s bedtime and he’s holding my hand and she is screaming downstairs with her “feed me NOW” cry – I’m torn into 2 pieces. I want to be in both places, but know I can’t. And then the guilt comes when I have to choose.

I know it will get easier. We’ll find a routine. Eventually Daxton will want nothing to do with me for bedtime – he won’t ask if he can wake me up in the morning time to come and cuddle with me and sister. There will be a day when he’ll be sitting across the table from me and won’t engage in conversation because I’m not cool enough. So I want to be there for him now, I want him to know how much I love him and I never want him to feel like he is second string. It’s a strange phenomenon when you have 2 kids – how you can love them both so incredibly much and there is no first or second – they both own your heart equally.

So I’m working on figuring it out…but I’m nowhere close yet. And this is the part that makes all this really hard despite all the joy both my children bring to me. I keep telling myself this moment in time is just a blip and what he’ll remember is who I am to him consistently over time. He won’t remember this part of his life when mommy can’t be there for him everytime he needs me. Oh, but I will. The mommy guilt is thick.

Well, that’s where I am right now with this whole mother of 2 thing. Caught between grateful and guilt ridden.  

Recovering, finally

It’s true what they say…”the days are long but the years are short.” I am feeling that completely as I realize that today will make 1 month of Daykin being here! I haven’t had any time to write since her arrival – things have been so chaotic. But she is sleeping at the moment so I’m stealing the time to capture some of my thoughts!

Daykin Lennox Manoni arrived on Wednesday, May 11 at 12:01 pm. She was 8.1 oz and 20 inches long. The first thing the doctors commented on was her full head of blonde hair. She arrived bow ready 🙂

I had a planned c-section and the surgery went well. Part of the reason I had to have a c-section was due to a large cyst they found on my right ovary. They wanted to remove it. So on May 11, I delivered an 8 pound baby girl and a 2 pound cyst. Isn’t that crazy? They ended up having to remove my right ovary, but my doctor said based on the cyst size and location – my right ovary hadn’t been functioning in awhile.

My recovery from the c-section has been anything but simple. I’ve had a csection before, so I knew what type of pain to expect…but this time it was worse. I had this really hard “lump” above part of my c-section incision and was suffering from these crazy chills and night sweats. I thought it was all hormonal stuff until about a week later when I was putting Daykin in her PJ’s and looked down at the rug in her room where I was standing and it was covered in blood. I freaked out and started checking her everywhere until I realized I was the one bleeding. It was everywhere and I have never been more glad that my mom was staying at my house with me.

Long story short – my csection incision  re-opened and I had an infection and a hematoma (a solid swelling of clotted blood within the tissues). I had been running a fever for days but again – just thought I was having hormonal hot flashes, etc. I spent the next week going to the doctor’s office every single day.  I had to keep my “wound” packed (which is about as much fun as you think it would be), take an antibiotic 4 times a day which required me to set an alarm in the middle of the night in addition to my wake up times to feed my newborn. I also had to see a wound care specialist who called in Home Health to visit my house several times a week to change out my packing.

For a few days, I had to wear a wound vac, which is a machine that basically suctions onto your wound to help it heal faster. It means you have to carry around this black “purse” where ever you go.

Lastly, I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics which gave me itchy hives all over my body. For those that know me, I already suffer from skin allergies, so this was no joke.

Needless to say, recovery has been a LONG and painful road for me. I am fortunate that the wound vac thing didn’t last for very long and they felt good about canceling home health moving forward as of my last appointment. So I’m now in charge of keeping my wound bandaged and I’ll go to what I’m praying is my last wound center appointment next week.

So, a month into this newborn thing and I’ve been through the ringer. I feel extra proud of myself for still being able to take care of Daykin and keep breastfeeding. She is happy and healthy weighing in at 9 pounds and 9 ounces at her most recent appointment. I figure all this chaos of recovery will be a good story to remind her of when she is causing me grief later in life. I can hear me now..”Daykin, do I need to remind you what I went through in the first month of your life?!”

But look at this face, I’d do it all over again.

 

 

I’ll Catch You

This is my last day before my whole world changes. Knowing I will meet my daughter for the very first time tomorrow is overwhelming, exciting, anxiety inducing and includes “all the feels.” Of course, I’ve had months of preparation…feeling her kick and punch constantly have served as a wonderful reminder of the little one growing inside me. And now that the day has almost arrived for us to meet her, I find myself feeling a little shy – like it’s a blind date. What will she be like? Will she look like her daddy just like her brother did? Or will I see a bit of myself reflected in the shape of her eyes or curve of her lips?

Will she know how much I have prayed for her and loved her since the moment I learned of her existance? Will I be able to show her that love unconditionally the way I want to? How will my heart grow without bursting? Having a second child is easier in some ways, I guess. I can tell myself, “I’ve done this before.” But in many ways, I haven’t. I haven’t been the mother of a newborn and a toddler before. I am scared that I won’t be very good at it and one of them will always be wanting. I worry that I may not have enough to give to be the mother they both deserve.

And then I think of the women in my life – friends and family who have more than 1 kid, and I see the love and affection they have for each other. I can do this, many have done this before. I know it will be a big job and I’m not really sure there is any training, any reading or any conversation that is going to make me feel prepared. Trial by fire, my friends.

But babycakes, I do solemnly swear – you will be loved by your mommy. And I will do everything I can to keep you safe, raise you to love and respect others and to know God. I have spent months preparing for your arrival, and on this last day – my mind is full of what ifs and worry and wondering if I’m ready.

The truth is, if you are – I am. Because that is how motherhood works. There is nothing that can prepare you – but I liken the experience to those automatic reactions our bodies create. Like when you drop a pen and your body immediately reacts to catch it – there is no thought or skill…it just happens. It’s in my DNA to be a mother – and despite not knowing what to expect, I do know that I’ll catch you.

Baby girl, you are my favorite girl. And I can’t wait for you to meet my favorite boy – your brother who already loves you so much that it makes my heart beat faster. Every day, he talks to you, gives you kisses and hugs and I cannot wait for you to recognize his voice upon your first meeting. His sweet voice singing you good night songs and shouting “I love you” at belly button level – you will know him as big brother. He will catch you, too.

Your daddy hasn’t a clue what’s in store for him, but I can’t wait to watch him fall in love with you. It’s a special bond between daddy and daughter and I am sure you will have him wrapped around your tiny little finger in no time. He will make you laugh, his jokes will make you roll your eyes, and no matter where you are – he’ll catch you.

I am honored to be your mother, and so excited to meet you in person for the very first time tomorrow. I know you will change my life in ways I can’t even fathom right now. But I’m sure we will navigate this new world together….the 4 of us.

Remembering the “Me” in Mother

I am not sure what the magic number is, but I was just far enough away from vivid memories of a newborn and those daily struggles as a new mother to be open to the possibility of trying for baby #2. I’d see others having babies and it made me miss those tiny fingers and toes. I wanted to smell that new baby smell and relive that bond that only a mom and baby can experience.

We were fortunate to get pregnant again within a reasonable time frame…and here I am, 29 weeks later feeling a bit terrified of this tiny life growing inside me. Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited to meet our baby girl in May. It is what I wanted. But as the final trimester is now in play…things are starting to feel a lot more real. Unlike my first pregnancy where I spent my time imagining what was in store for me – now, I don’t have to imagine. I know. I think that is why I am pretty much terrified of what’s next. I think back to the first few months with Daxton and I remember it was hard. It was beautiful and perfect and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. How in the world will I survive that same experience on top of having a 3 year old?

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head about my ability to be the type of mom I want to be to both my kids. I think about being the type of wife I want to be when I have 2 kids. And I think about the type of daughter, sister, aunt and friend I want to be when my life takes this new twist in just a few months. Man, it feels overwhelming.

Then I reflect for a moment. I take a few deep breaths and I realize I forgot to think about someone pretty important in all this thinking. Me. How will I be good and kind to myself when I have 2 kids? I forgot to ask myself this really important question in the midst of preparing for meeting my first child. And I’ve spent the last 3 years not figuring it out totally, and that makes me sad. It makes my husband sad.

So i’m going to try to be mindful this time. I’m going to be nicer to myself. I’m going to be more willing to ask for help and believe it’s not a sign of weakness on my side. I’m not going to torture myself if breastfeeding doesn’t work out like I want it to. I am going to make time for myself to do things I enjoy and love – like seeing my friends and making plans even if it’s a little inconvenient or hard to get ready for with 2 kids. I’m going to rely on my husband to take care of things when I can’t and trust that someone else can be in charge of washing the bottles correctly or pairing the tiny socks and finding the right drawers to put away the laundry correctly.

I realize the hardest part of being a mom for me is tangled up in my need to love my family fiercely and my inability to extend that same type of love and compassion to myself. And that makes everything harder. Self created hardship, I know.  So my goal is to keep loving fiercely and add myself to the list of people I want to be thoughtful of during this next season of my life.

Being a mom is about being willing to put someone else before your own needs. I don’t expect anything different this time around, I know my life, my hopes, my dreams will all be wrapped around a tiny little finger.  I know my daughter will be the next love of my life and my heart may burst. But I must make more room, my heart has to grow even bigger this time – because I have to find room for me again despite how hard it will be.

Sometimes we forget that there is a “me” in mother. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but I choose to believe it is because we need that reminder. Because I’m not “the best me” when I’m not extending the same kindess and love to myself that I am offering everyone else. To be a better mother (and all of those other things I want to do be good at), I’m not overlooking me this time.

I have to believe my kids will thank me one day. My kids will always come first, I think that is in the DNA of being a mother…but I have decided I deserve a place on the list, too. This new chapter of my life is going to be really hard. I’m going to be really tired. But it will be full of love, and it’s not just going to be about loving my children but remembering to love me, too.

The Give and Take

My last post was almost 2 years ago on this site. I’ve decided to try a “come back” here promising a weekly blog. More on that in a sec…

There is too much that has happened to capture in a catch up blog, so here’s the deal – I’ll fill you in as we go. Here’s what is important for today and this first blog back in the sattle…

Our family at my son’s 2nd birthday party!

My family has recently started attending a church. We moved to “the suburbs” last year and with our little guy on the brink of turning 3 and another one on the way, I really wanted to get back into a church community. We really like where we are going now, but haven’t officially joined yet. It’s a Presbyterian Church which is a bit different from my husband’s Catholic school upbringing and my Southern Baptist world. But it’s a place where I can see my family growing as part of the community and that it important. Our minister sends out a weekly email blog of sorts with some food for thought. This past week, she talked about Lent and her ideas about what she was going to do and it got me thinking.

I have often played around with the “Lent” thing…but it was not part of what we did growing up so this is the first year that I’m surrounded by a church community who participates. I’ll be honest that my freshman year of college, I thought the rapture was upon us as everyone around me had this “mark” on their forward and no one else seemed to be noticing but me. After a miniature freak out, my more cultured friends told me it was Ash Wednesday. Whew, what a relief.

Anyway, I’ve been pondering on what I want to do for Lent this year…and something my minister said struck a chord with me. She talked about how Lent doesn’t have to be just giving up something, it could be adding something to your life as well. I’d never considered that as an option….

After about a  week of thinking about it, I’ve come up with my Lent plan and my focus is on what I’m adding, not taking away. I’ve thought about 3 different buckets in my life I’ve been neglecting:  Spirit, Mental, Physical and aligned my Lent commitments under each of them. Often times I’ve only focused on the physical side and while its good….I am hoping to get in on some of that reap what you sow “stuff” 🙂

Spirit: A daily dose of God via an app called Daily Bible Devotion (free)

I don’t know if I’ll love the app, so I give myself permission to change to a different daily devotion if I don’t dig this one. But the bigger purpose is to not limit my interactions with God to just the weekends during church or when its good timing for me. I want to work on keeping Him in my thoughts on the regular and I hope working on this will lead to me feeling more connected to His plan and purpose in my life. So we’ll try it during Lent and see what happens.

Mental: Challenging myself to write on a weekly basis

So the mental component is….well, you are looking at it. Getting back to blogging is something I have really wanted to do for awhile. I love to write and the sense of community, but often have trouble finding time to make it happen. Commiting to a weekly blog with some food for thoughts (okay, and maybe a picture of food every now and again because who doesn’t love that?) is a great mental challenge that will hopefully reconnect me to some of that “old me” stuff that I really loved (and miss). Let’s be honest, you – dear reader, benefit from the this challenge the most, am I right?!

Physical: Pass the water

So this is the one area where I’m trying to cut out something. Being pregnant and all, I already have to cut out a lot of stuff but I have still been indulging in the occasional soda. I just can’t seem to kick the habit even though I’ve done it before. So now it’s time to pull the plug and focus on more water, tea, limited coffee and of course, milkshakes. 🙂 I do drink a lot of water already, I just get bored really easy…so I need to get over myself and do this already. Lent seems like a good time to make this committment.

So it’s a lot that I’m taking on…but I’m hoping the recommitment to my spirtual life and working on incorporating writing into my life again will be good for me all around. Putting things in writing is a great way to stay committed to your goals – no matter what type of goal you are making.

What goals are you currently working toward or are you giving up or adding something during Lent?

My Work Family

I have been very fortunate during most of my professional career to have amazing “work families.” It’s just that – coworkers become more than just people you work with, they become part of your everyday life. Your stories become about them, your morning coffee is with them. Lunch in the office is with them. Birthday celebrations are celebrated with them at work or during happy hour.

You watch their kids grow up and you hear their horror stories that make you cringe about what is in store for you as a parent. You laugh at their girls’ night out or fishing trip stories. You sympathize and support them as they lose loved ones.

They are there for your big moments. My co-workers watched me meet the man I am now married to. They heard stories about first dates, first trips away….they teased about wedding bells. They threw me an engagement party. The listened to me brainstorm about wedding plans – helped me choose flowers and gave me opinions on invitation design.  They wanted to see the photo album from my wedding. They were excited to see me go on my honeymoon.

Since then they’ve thrown me a baby shower. My boss visited me in the hospital to meet my son. They have welcomed him to the office with open arms, meeting us during my maternity leave for lunch so they could meet him for the first time. They are eager to see new pictures and always asking me how he is doing. I think they have prepared me for the best and worst to come of parenthood as many of them have been there, done that and have wisdom to share.

Recently, they gave me a going away party. My last day at Winthrop will be on Monday, March 17. I’ve spent almost 6 years with this crew – and since I made the decision to leave my observation skills are on hyper drive. I am noticing all the little things, the small interactions. The laughter, the friendship, and it’s so much more than just leaving co-workers now. At some point, we all became family.

We all play our roles, sometimes the arguing parents. Sometimes the sisters who can’t get along. But just like family, you can’t pick your co-workers. J We don’t always agree, but when it comes down to it, we matter to each other. I’m going to seriously miss these people.

When I first walked through the door 6 years ago, I had no idea all the life that was going to happen to me here. In many ways, I’ve grown up here. These people have watched it happen and they’ve been there every step of the way. I am so grateful to have had this working experience. Not just because of the work I did, but because of the people I got to meet along the way. I am certainly not the person I was when I first started…and I’m sure in another 6 years I’ll feel the same.

We spend so much time with the people we work with – it’s rare to have a group that actually enjoys hanging out. People who balance each other out, people who can show tough love and genuine interest in each other’s personal and professional life. It’s weird, it’s rare, but it’s good. And I know  I’m lucky.

Of course I’m nervous about moving to a new work place. I wonder if my co-workers will have my sense of humor. I wonder if we’ll become Facebook friends and if they will ask me questions about my son because they really do care. I wonder what life events my new co-workers will see me through and what opportunities await on just the other side of next week. It’s marvelous and frightening all at the same time.

I know I’m moving on, and not without a few tears I imagine. It’s hard to say goodbye this time around because I know that everything will change and things will evolve into something new over time. But there will always be a little piece of my heart that stays with these people, my work family. I won’t forget.

Fun at a student event!