Monthly Archives: September 2016

19 Minutes and Counting

I said I would write more – but I haven’t. Yet I think of writing all the time. On my commute to work once the kids are dropped off at school, a thought will drift through my mind and I’ll think, “wow – that would be an awesome blog topic.”

And I believe it’s such a good idea, I’ll definitely remember it later when I get home, you know several hours later, and the good idea will definitely line up with having a pocket of time to actually sit down and write it. Right?

So tonight, I have a tiny pocket of time. The kids are asleep, the husband went to bed early. I don’t feel like watching TV. I can’t go to bed until after I pump for the last time tonight and that needs to be at 10. 19 minutes of time for just me and my thoughts.

Here I am, with this window of time..and I can’t for the life of me remember a single great idea for blogging I have had while driving. That seems to be the theme lately – and I have a feeling it’s probably not just me. Life gets us so busy – whether it’s because of work, family, friends – we just keep ourselves busy and it’s easy to forget all those great, inspired ideas.

17 minutes.

All I can think about is if I could be doing something else right now that would be more productive. I have this constant inner track in my head that is like a “multi-tasker app.” It’s the app in my brain that processes all the different approaches I could take to make myself more efficient. For instance, during my nightly “wash and sterilize all the bottles and pump parts for the next day” routine, I am constantly strategizing about the best way to do it.

I turn on the water and it takes forever to get hot. I use the cold water to do an initial rinse of said dishes. Multi-tasker app kicks in “could I grab a cup and use the water to water the plants while I wait for the water to get hot?” OR “go ahead and fill up the 2oz you need for the sterilizer bags while the water is cold.” The water gets hot – so I strategize about the quickest way to get all the parts separated so I can get through this awful task of washing as quickly as possible. Set up the sterilizer bag, line up the bottle parts so it’s a constant grab, wash and into the bag. Set the microwave so it’s ready as soon as the bag is. I seriously drive myself crazy sometimes.

I find it hard to just be in this moment. To just do what I’m currently doing and stop worrying about whether it’s the most efficient. But life demands that of me right now. Work demands that of me now. Do as many things as possible in the least amount of time. Be the best mother, wife, friend, sister, aunt….be them all at the same time and do it well. Don’t forget the birthday card, buy the baby gift, write your thank you notes. Sterilize those bottles.

9 minutes.

I’m still sorting out how to be all these things, and I’ve decided that maybe – I just AM these things even if I can’t be the best at them all at the same time. I have to take turns wearing these different hats and sometimes when I try to wear all 10 hats at the same time – it makes me act a little crazy. I probably look crazy to outsiders, too. Sorry about that.

So I’m going to work a little bit on this – just being in the moment. Just be the dishwasher – don’t worry about the plants yet. I can do that later. Or tomorrow. Or my husband can do it.

6 minutes.

I have to find a way to just be here. In this space, and not worry about all the rest. These 6 minutes are mine, no one elses.

And it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. I need it. I need space to not wear a hat at all and be me. I used to be really good at that, but now I need some practice.

Times up. Mama hat on. I’ll catch you next time.

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Remember to Breathe

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I’ve been here before. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s the night before my baby goes to daycare full time.

And while this time is different because I have entrusted my son to this same place and he’ll be there just down the hall – it’s still something that makes me sad. I have been truly blessed to have my mom stay with us for the last month so Daykin could stay at home a little while longer. And I’ve gotten really used to my mom sending me pictures of her during the day, and knowing she is being taken care of by my flesh and blood made being back at work a little easier. This past month has been challenging back at work, but I’ve just kept breathing…and saying to myself that at least Daykin is at home even if I am at work.

But here we are, the night before her first day of school – and she gave me a really rough day today. She refused to nap for me and I thought to myself she was helping me out some. Maybe days like this would make me long for someone else to be in charge for awhile. But that’s a fleeting thought, and as I nursed her to sleep tonight I prayed for her health and safety and I asked God to bless her teachers. I cried a little bit in hopes that crying at home means I won’t cry tomorrow when I walk out the door and leave her for the first time with someone who isn’t family.

Being a mom is this delicate balance of being completely in control and absolutely not in control at the same time. And even though this is kid #2 – I still haven’t figured that out so much. I’m not sure I ever will.

While Daxton was the first everything, Daykin is my last everything. And I want to soak everything up, I don’t want to wish any moment away because as they pass – it’s the last time. The last time I’ll wash and fold tiny newborn clothes. The last time I’ll give my child their first bath. The last time I’ll ever need size 1 diapers. And while some of those are good things to be done with – it’s this bittersweet feeling in my soul.

Tomorrow is the last time I’ll ever send my baby girl to daycare for the first time. And tonight is the last time I’ll be so anxious about this particular experience. And that’s when I just have to remind myself: breathe. It will be a good thing to get this particular experience behind me so I can focus on all the great things ahead.

20160904_080957Daxton has been shown nothing but love at his school, and I know Daykin will steal her teacher’s heart with her giant gummy grin and little chubby legs. And eventually, the morning commute with both kids, making bottles in the morning, and collecting my daily reports from her teacher will seem like a typical day. But tonight, it feels like a big deal – a big question mark because this is the beginning of the next phase of Daykin’s life where she spends a big portion of her day away from home.

So, tonight – I’m taking a big breath. I’m letting it out slow. Everything will be great – I just have to remember to breathe.

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