Gone, gone gone.
Righteous Brothers, anyone?
Well, this isn’t about my marriage or anything – so no worries there even though I know that song is about a relationship losing its tenderness.
Sometimes I feel this way just about life in general – i know, that sounds so “woe is me.” But have you ever just had a day (or more) where you just can’t seem to muster up that loving feeling about things that used to make you pretty happy?
I go through these major phases of Loving Life! and then….moments of – what else is there…(aka I’m Bored).
Not bored because I’m not busy. Not bored because i don’t have anything else better to do. Just bored because sometimes it all feels the same.
As I’m writing this blog and editing it – I realize maybe it’s not BOREDOM….but maybe it is a realization that I’m missing something that I used to have.
It’s hard not to get into a rut with life sometimes. I get inspired some days and I feel so amazing and I can’t help but want to shout from the blogosphere how I’m feeling and encourage everyone else to get out there and DO Something. But then I just have some days where I’m not feeling it.
These emotions swept over me all in a hurry last night.
One of my best friends had a birthday yesterday, and I met him and a bunch of other people out for dinner. It was so great to see everyone – I feel like I hadn’t seen some of them in forever, and as I was leaving the restaurant and walking to my car I called “bye!” and no one responded. And i just walked to my car feeling unnoticed and unheard. And on the drive home, I started wondering if I’m losing a piece of myself. Have I accidentally transitioned into some different phase of my life where I’m not a part of my old life anymore? Did everyone else notice and not tell me that I was slipping away?
Ultimately, I kept replaying things in my head and wondering “Did I do something wrong?”
I don’t know. It just makes me impossibly sad and I can’t put my finger on what to do. On one hand, so many new chapters in my life have been opened over the past few years, and I’m so happy in many ways. But what about those chapters that you don’t want to be closed? The people that you still want to love you as much as you love them? And you want it to be effortless and to have that feeling of “this will never go away.” You don’t want to be a stranger.
I don’t want to be a stranger.
But maybe it’s impossible to have every chapter of your life open at the same time?
That’s not life, is it? That’s not how anyone’s story goes, and some people call it “growing up” – but if that’s the case, then I just don’t want to. I want that loving feeling back. And I desperately want to be a part of things, and feel included like I used to be…but I’ve forgotten how. I sort of feel like I’m Peter Pan from the movie Hook where he forgets all about Neverland and how to fly.
Do I remember by just believing? Or is the damage already done and I can never go back?
And if I do, could it be the same?